While sitting in my PJs, dogs and kids nearby, watching Inauguration of 2021, I wept.
I wept with joy. I felt moved. I feel moved as I write this. But I also felt, and feel, compassion.
When I said something to my family the other night about former President Trump, they doubted me. One of them actually accused me of lying. I was taken aback, actually. But what I said was true. And, in the spirit of pushing my edge and sharing more of myself here, I’ll tell you, too.
I cannot help but have compassion for those leaving the White House today.
What I know about myself, is that when I’m deep in it, living from the ugly parts of my personality (what we call “down the levels,”), I am blind to it. All my neural pathways are shut down and I’m pre-occupied with defending, protecting, and promoting my agenda. I am in total self-preservation mode. Maybe it should be called self-righteous mode. Truly, it is form of trauma; an impulsive fight, flight, or freeze. As an assertive type, I fight.
Until I did a crap ton of inner work, I had no idea this is what was happening. I really did think I was right and everyone else was wrong. Sometimes, I still go there. Some may say I go there more than I think I do. Hmmm…
So I understand the ugliness that is leaving DC today. I understand being blind to my own wreckage. The only difference is that I don’t have as many people under my influence as the outgoing administration does. But I can be equally as ugly. I’d like to think it doesn’t happen on the regular anymore; and I hope it doesn’t.
But I am abundantly clear on this fact: If I was my worst self on a daily basis, rather than for moments at a time like now, I’d do some damage. I’d be diagnosed with a disorder. Despite my intentions, I’d be creating the opposite impact. I would not be drawing from nor giving to others, a whole lot of love.
So maybe this is an invitation of sorts. An invitation to notice the parts of yourself that might get ugly. An invitation to know that the ugliness is not who you are. An invitation to dig deep and to remember who you are. And to know, from every source of intelligence available to you, that your beautiful Essence is available to you right now.
Especially when you need it the most.