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What Enneagram Types Make Good Couples & Partners?

Remember when you fell in love with your partner? 

What were the things you loved about them? With honest reflection, you might notice that there was the perfect blend of their strengths complementing your strengths. 

I’ll use my marriage as an example. 

When we fell in love in our teens and then sealed the deal in our twenties, if asked, I’d probably have told you we had a lot in common. We lived in the same town, came from the same socioeconomic status, and were (and still are) the youngest children of four-sibling families.

In my fifties, I see that those similarities aren’t what has kept us married for 27 years. Sharing particular life circumstances or even being alike, isn’t what keeps anyone who wants a deep connection in their marriage together.

What has kept us together is our willingness to do inner work (and we chose the Enneagram to do this), exploring the patterns and habits of our personalities. We learned what it looks like to be self-aware, awake, and Present and what keeps us from being self-aware, awake, and Present. The Enneagram also taught us what to do about it.

In any setting, business or personal, all strengths on overdrive become liabilities. What the Enneagram teaches us, is what those strengths on overdrive look like. We all have blind spots and the Enneagram shines a light on those blind spots to help us evolve in the most beautiful ways. 

My husband, an average Enneagram Nine, has strengths that include:

  • having a small to right-sized daily agenda;
  • being able to sit still, bringing a calm energy to a situation;
  • patience; he thinks and feels, taking no impulsive, risky action.

 

Me, an average Enneagram Type Seven, has strengths that include:

  • the ability to move into action without a plan or lots of thinking about it;
  • efficiency; I get a lot done in a day;
  • the ability to initiate; I make conversations and activities happen.

 

In a world where we are Present, non-reactive, conscious, and aware, these strengths beautifully complement each other. We married each other with “just the right amount” of difference. This gives us the capacity to “teach” each other how to find our wholeness again. 

What I’ve learned from working with individuals and couples is that you partner with the person who has what you need; they teach you what you need to learn. As long as you age with consciousness, manage your stress, and stay Present, individuals in these partnerships will thrive, and therefore, so will the partnership. 

Alas, this is easier said than done. 

You were born with the flexibility to accommodate your partner, balance your strengths as life requires, and adapt to what’s happening at any specific moment in time.  That flexibility goes away when you lose Presence, react to stress, and stop paying attention. Through no fault of your own – you just don’t know any better – this happens to most people. 

As we age, without awareness, inner work, and stress management, the Personality becomes less flexible. It locks in. You develop an identity that requires you to be one way or the other.

Using my marriage as an example, my husband becomes more withdrawn, averse to activity, and quiet, and I become more assertive, unable to sit, and bored.

The very qualities we loved about each other when we first fell in love become frustrating, annoying, and potential reasons for separation or divorce. 

When you get to this stage of life with a partner, you might find yourself in a story about how much you’ve changed or how far you’ve drifted. That’s certainly a perspective. What I’d suggest though, is that you both lock into the patterns of your personalities and double down on those strengths that once drew you to one another. 

I’ll say it again: Every strength on overdrive becomes a liability. If two of you are on overdrive in the style of your Enneagram Type, then you are moving farther apart, becoming separate, unable to understand each other, grow, and evolve. 

When you bring awareness to your Personality and the ways your Enneagram Type separates you from your partner, you can do something about it. One beautiful aspect of Enneagram work is the shared language you develop with your partner. You can spot the traits and qualities that accompany stress and insecurity as well as growth and evolution. You not only get to know yourself, but you get to know your partner in ways that serve your relationship. And you know how to talk about it. It is really beautiful work. 

The Enneagram points you towards wholeness. When two of you are doing Enneagram work, you can once again see the things that you fell in love with all those years ago. 

So back to the original question: What Enneagram Types make good couples and partners? 

The answer: All of them. Any two Enneagram Types can fall in love and stay in love. What makes a lasting partnership is the amount of awareness and Presence you bring to yourself and your partner. All relationships that long for deep connection rely on awareness and Presence. The Enneagram teaches you how and when you tend to lose awareness and Presence and most importantly, how to find it again. 

Are you curious about Presence, your own Enneagram Type, and how to use the Enneagram to improve your relationship with your partner? Make a complimentary inquiry call and I’ll teach you what is possible.

Christina Granahan

Christina Granahan

Enneagram-informed coach + therapist

I teach you how to use your Enneagram type to realize the relationships and success that you’ve been chasing at work, home, or school. Let's connect and see how I can help you.

You have one life. Let’s get you living it.

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