A client recently told me a story about an interaction she had with someone in the midst of a mental health crisis. What was happening is something not many of us will come across in our lives, but she handled it like someone who sees this daily. But she doesn’t.
What I noticed most in her story was that she
- Responded instead of reacted
- Offered lots of choices and very little advice
- Stopped to breathe and made sure her friend did, too
Despite having absolutely no experience with people in crisis, she knew what to do. She drew on her inner guidance – the intelligence of her body, heart, and mind – and approached the situation from there.
We were both crying by the time she finished her story.
Before I tell you my response, please know that I know this client well and we frequently bring humor into our work together.
“Why can’t you do that with your husband and kids?”
We had a good laugh but then it was tine to lock in the learning. What made the experience a good one?
- She was present.
- She was paying attention.
- She tapped into the greatest gifts of her type.
“Were you afraid?” I asked.
“No, I listened and took her lead.”
“But really, what keeps you from offering the same to your family?”
Like her, you can probably recall experiences where you surprised yourself by drawing on inner resources that you didn’t know you had. Most of us don’t approach our lives from this place. To be clear, your personality is working hard to keep you from doing so.
We come to our daily lives through our personalities. Our temperament or wiring, so to speak. In Enneagram work, we sometimes refer to it as our lens.
Your Enneagram type holds your greatest gifts and your greatest liabilities. It’s your own, personal, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde of the modern day.
What does this look like for each type? As I describe the Jekyll and Hyde of the types, pay attention to how you experience each type within you and notice those who come to mind as you read about each type. I invite you to practice compassion for others because the liabilities of their type, like your own, aren’t your fault, but you can take responsibility for them.
As you notice how each type lives in you, know that if this is not your primary type, those identifying with the type feel those qualities that much stronger; they wouldn’t feel human without those qualities. Losing them invokes some deep, subconscious fears that are specific to each type.
When you are out of touch with your essential qualities, your gifts, it feels like a fall from grace. When you experience this in your primary type, it’s likely the most uncomfortable you’ll ever be.
We start at Enneagram type 8 because the essential qualities of Enneagram type 8 are strength, aliveness, and immediacy. Enneagram type 8 gives us the energy we need to move our way around the Enneagram and explore all the types.
Enneagram type 8
If you identify with Enneagram type 8, your gifts are strength, charisma, and confidence. You don’t have to prove anything because you already are full of life, powerful, and have a commanding presence. Everything is juicy without you having to turn up the intensity to make it so. And you want everyone else to experience these gifts, too.
When you lose touch with this, you feel alone. It can feel like an attack on your soul. A violation. It all feels very personal. Subconsciously, your fears about being overtaken or betrayed create a reaction in you that pushes you to control, defend, and harden. This is what it looks like when the personality, the lower level of your type, tries to imitate the essential qualities of the type.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Those gifts are still available to you and you have the inherent capacity to access them.
Enneagram type 9
If you identify with Enneagram type 9, your gifts are about wholeness, connection, and being a part of something much larger than yourself. You relax into this deep knowing that the world is benevolent, peaceful, and in flow. You feel safe to engage with and contribute to the world around you and you want this same experience for others, too.
When you lose touch with this, you start to feel separate from the greater whole. You feel disconnected and afraid that you will lose that peaceful, calm, experience you once had. The fear of losing wholeness forever drives you to imitate it by retreating and being agreeable, and you avoid asserting yourself at work, in your family, and in the world. Peace at any cost. When others are at peace, you are at peace, so you lay low in an attempt to create that.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Those gifts are still available to you and you have the inherent capacity to access them.
Enneagram type 1
If you identify with Enneagram type 1, your gifts are found in your integrity, acceptance of what is, and knowing that everything is already perfect as it unfolds the way it is meant to. You understand that you don’t have to fix anything because nothing, in a divine way, is actually broken. This doesn’t mean that you sit around and watch the world go by, but rather, you respond to what is called for. You don’t have to go looking for people, places, and things to improve upon. You use discernment to know what needs your attention. You want everyone else to experience this goodness, too.
When you lose touch with this, your subconscious fears of being defective, bad, or out of integrity cause you to take responsibility for everything you think could go awry. You must be bad, wrong, or at fault for the things that aren’t going right in the world so it is therefore your responsibility alone to fix them. Constant quality improvement is your motto. To do the work of whatever or whoever created it all. Mistakes aren’t an option in your world and you assume no one else wants them either. So you get to work fixing yourself and fixing everyone around you. You see yourself as the best one for the job while simultaneously resenting that no one else is up for the job.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Those gifts are still available to you and you have the inherent capacity to access them.
Enneagram type 2
If you identify with Enneagram type 2, your gifts are in the realm of relationships. You know that love is an energy that cannot be created or destroyed. Love doesn’t depend on anyone or anything. It is already here in each of us and surrounding all of us. It isn’t a commodity or something to be earned. You and I are both made up of love. And you want others to experience life this way, too.
When you lose touch with this, your subconscious fear that you aren’t able to access love – or worse – that there is no love to be found – causes you to hustle, trade, and bargain for it. You make attempts to create it by doting, complimenting, and relating. You believe that love comes when you sacrifice yourself. When you put yourself second or third or fourth or last, everyone will know you love them. They will appreciate and value their relationship with you. But your service isn’t the source of love so it doesn’t quite get you what you so desperately want.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Those gifts are still available to you and you have the inherent capacity to access them.
Enneagram type 3
If you identify with Enneagram type 3, your gifts lie in your ability to see your value and the value of those around you. Your functioning is in flow. As you go about your life, you are in touch with not only your own inherent value, gifts, and contributions, but the ways in which everyone else has inherent value, gifts, and contributions, too. You appreciate yourself and everyone around you, knowing that each of us has something to offer. From this place, everything seems to shine brightly and you notice this because you are connected to your own heart and to the hearts of others.
When you lose touch with this, your subconscious fear that you are worthless and have no value puts your personality in the position of having to create value to imitate your essential nature. You strive to prove your value and lose sight of not only your own inherent value but that of others, too. You start to compare and compete to earn the M.V.P. of life.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Those gifts are still available to you and you have the inherent capacity to access them.
Enneagram type 4
If you identify with Enneagram type 4, your gift is your identity. It is the beautiful, profound, depth of your true nature. A bit mysterious, you are a seeker of your own truth and you are a conduit for others to find theirs, too. You recognize the inner beauty that each and every individual holds that is unique to them. All emotions are equally important, not just the ones that you perceive separate you from the pack.
When you lose touch with this, your subconscious fear of being without an identity leads you to create a false identity (that you think is real!). You center yourself around radical concepts, creating an identity around the ways you are different, deeper, more mysterious, and more misunderstood than others. You build an identity around your suffering.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Those gifts are still available to you and you have the inherent capacity to access them.
Enneagram type 5
If you identify with Enneagram type 5, your gifts are clarity and illumination. You light the way for yourself and others by simply knowing that all you need to know is already known to you. You know that every moment is an “aha” moment and this becomes the light by which you live. You know that this illumination and precision is the safety you need and allows you to recognize everything that comes your way as a part of your experience and nothing to feel anxious about.
When you lose touch with that, your subconscious fear that nothing is actually knowable and that unless you know, you cannot survive in the world, prompts you to pull away from the people and experiences to hunker down and learn it all. Your confidence and ability to move freely in the world come from what you know and you often wonder if you actually know enough to do the job.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Those gifts are still available to you and you have the inherent capacity to access them.
Enneagram type 6
If you identify with Enneagram type 6, your gift is the actual awakeness that allows you to find your own, inner guidance. You have the ability to see what is here, real, and true and you simply know what is next to do. You are oriented to your environment and are connected to both yourself and it. You are comfortable, at home, and capable in every situation, even if that requires you don’t know what to do…yet. You trust yourself, those around you, and the universe, itself (my client identifies with type 6; that inner guidance was front and center as she worked with her friend in crisis!).
When you lose touch with this, your subconscious fear of being without any support or guidance prompts you to feel lost, unsure, and anxious. You’ve lost touch with the grounding your gifts provide. Your personality sets out to imitate your essential nature by searching, asking, worrying, and relying on all kinds of people, places, ideas, and things outside of yourself to guide your every move. Rather than notice what actually matters, your personality wants you to take in every minute detail which creates a busyness in your head with an absence of clear thought.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Those gifts are still available to you and you have the inherent capacity to access them.
Enneagram type 7
If you identify with Enneagram type 7, your gifts lie in the recognition that every moment is new: new possibilities, discoveries, spontaneity, and wonder. There is inherent excitement at this moment. You know that freedom comes from knowing that the only choice there is the one in front of you, not by creating option after option after option. Given this, what is here now is what captures your attention and is an experience to be savored. You naturally experience life as joyful and you bring this joy to those around you. You want us all to have this.
When you lose touch with this joy and freedom, your subconscious fear that possibilities will be cut off and you will be stuck (anything but free!) leads your personality to imitate this freedom and amazement that is your true nature and the source of your greatest gifts. You create options at every turn and avoid making choices for fear that the removal of even one option will result in being stuck and frustrated forever. You easily feel bored and miss out on appreciating the moment that is here right now. You are always on the move trying to recreate the gifts of joy and freedom that you have lost touch with.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Those gifts are still available to you and you have the inherent capacity to access them.
Returning to my client’s beautiful interaction with a friend in crisis.
When I told my husband about her story, he said, “that’s who I want with me in a crisis.”
Me, too.
We’ll save our humorous exchange about why she finds it hard to show up this way with her family for another post, but her story invites us all into a deeper question.
Do you want to engage and experience your life grounded in your greatest gifts or your liabilities?
Every breath you take offers a choice. Engage from your greatest gifts or from your greatest liabilities.
Which will you choose?
